 Wednesday, 3rd Jul 2013 20:51 Neil Warnock has been conspicuous in his absence in Leeds to launch his new book, but rest assured folks, to save you £16.99 or whatever it is, we bring you the bits you would only be interested in, eg his 14 months at Leeds. It was a cold day down on the farm. I was enjoying a cuppa with Sharon having spent the morning servicing the tractor when the phone rang. Sharon answered it. "It's for you love" "Who is it?" I asked. "Dunno" she shrugged. The door bell rang, Sharon scooped up a box of freshly laid eggs as it was Doris, our elderly neighbour who often came round to buy half a dozen at just £2. "Hello?" I said. "Mr Warnock, ahhh yes..." That unmistakable soft, London burr, slightly faded with age but still recognisable from that very conversation I'd had 20 years earlier when I turned down Ken Bates, then Chairman of Chelsea football club. The following day, Friday, I was flying to Monaco. On landing at the airport II was greeted by a bald man with spectacles, he carried a brown leather satchel I assumed he was Bates's lackey/driver. "Bonjour er Monsieur erm comment allez vous?" At least my French is not as woeful as Joey f***ing Barton's is. The man looked perplexed. "Neil, it's Shaun, Shaun Harvey, we spoke earlier..." Harvey escorted me into Monte Carlo, it was sunny but chilly and is wished I'd packed a big coat like Sharon suggested as my tweed jacket with the elbow patches did not protect me from the biting wind. However if you've lived through the harsh winters of Sheffield with winds blowing down Wicker you can put up with owt. We sat down at Bates's favourite haunt, the Cafe De Paris. Harvey sat me down with a glass of Sancerre (they didnt do Stones's or even John Smiths) and momentarily disappeared. He returned a couple of minutes later, ushering the great man to his favourite seat. He seemed unsteady on his feet and there were strands of stray white hair flecked onto his long black overcoat. He was in typical effusive mode. He effed and blinded like a foundry-man. Occasionally he would doze off. I tried unsuccessfully to engage in conversation with Harvey, who constantly checked his watch, would gently wake his boss, open the satchel and pop a pill into his mouth, helping him wash it down with a glass of Perrier. I snook a look in the satchel, honestly there was more f***ing pills in there than on a Happy Monday's World Tour. Harvey diligently knew when to medicate his master. Three hours later, we still had not talked about money. "Don't spoil a f***ing good lunch Neil" Bates said when I brought up the subject of salary. He spoke of the other candidates who approached him hours after he fired poor Grayson, unlucky lad, unlucky lisp. Raddy Antic and Sven Goran Eriksson too had apparently been on the blower to Bates. The wine had made me headstrong. "Look" I said "F**k Eriksson, what has he ever f***ing won in England? The square root of f**k all that's what! Give it two months and Eriksson will be more interested in the dogging and swinging parties up f***ing Alwoodley....I'll get you promoted, if not this season definitely next!" "The job's all your's, start Monday" Bates said. We were going to keep it quiet but some twat sitting nearby had one of those phone camera thingy's and it was in the Sun on Saturday morning. Saturday I woke up in the Malmaison at Leeds, Mick Jones had driven up late Friday night. Bates refused to put Mick up in the Malmaison with me so he had to make do with the Travelodge down the road. But he's a good lad Mick. Our James, who lives in Leeds picked us up and took us to the ground for half 12. Leeds were playing Doncaster and a crowd had gathered early to catch a glimpse of their saviour. I had to laugh, the dogs abuse I used to get going through these same doors with Sheffield United, Palace and QPR now they were cheering me, including that big t**t with the scar running across his cheek. "Ay up Colin!" He used to leer at me "Colin f***ing w**ker", now he was pumping my arm up and down I thought it was going to fall off and demanding I have a photo with his lad. My arm ached more than a sex offenders in a Soho peep show would. To put it bluntly, Leeds were s**t and lucky Doncaster were only 2-0 up at half-time. "Time to start work early" i said to Our James and made my way to the home dressing room. Neil Redfearn was making some droning team talk, I walked in, "Ay up Redders do us a favour and p*** off for a minute eh? Fakin ell! What you doing lads? It's Doncaster Rovers, Doncaster f**king Rovers not f**king Brazil for f*** sake! Becchio for f*** sake stop playing 60 yards off the centre off, f***ing hell, the rest of you, get the ball and f***ing hoof it up to Becchio." I stopped as I spotted a skinny lad in a pink Hollister hoodie. "Who are you?" "Rogers gaffer, Robbie Rogers" the lad replied. "Get warmed up, you'll be on soon. Rest of you, if I spot so much as a f***ing grass stain on the ball you'll be in tomorrow. It's bad enough for me having to sit in the Directors Box next to that plastic faced, permatanned prick of a f***ing Chairman of theirs so for f**ks sake sort it out!" I returned to my seat and watched a miracle. Leeds won 3-2 thanks to my intervention, I could not wait to get on to their radio station and take full credit for turning the game around, a result that's probably saved Leeds from relegation. The only downside for me was Becchio, having scored the winner he raced straight to f**ing Redfearn on the touch line and embraced him when he should have ran up to me sat up cheering wildly in the West Stand with Our James and Mick Jones. Becchio never acknowledged me for putting him right about his positioning that afternoon and it hurts me to think that if it was not for me, he would not be the Premiership striker he is now. It was an indicator of things to come but I know from that moment I'd lost Becchio before I'd even officially started! Don't Miss Part 2 "That result against Forest" Disclaimer: any resemblance to any living person in this text is purely coincidental! Photo: Action Images Please report offensive, libellous or inappropriate posts by using the links provided.
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