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Liverpool In Secret Talks To HiJack Chinese Takeover At St Mary's
Thursday, 8th Jun 2017 15:23

Chinese group Lander Holdings were today dismayed to hear that Liverpool FC are about to hijack their takeover of Southampton Football Club.

As Saints fans wait to hear of the proposed purchase of an 80% stake in the club by Lander Holdings for £210 million, the Chinese will be dismayed to hear of the purchase of a calculator in the shop in the Esso garage behind the Kop by new Liverpool chief executive Peter Moore.

Whilst stopping for Petrol in the garage Moore took advantage of an offer to buy a calculator for £2.99 with every £20 of petrol bought.

After remembering to get a receipt Moore took his seat in his new office at Anfield and considered the cheapest way to get Virgil Van Dijk into a Liverpool shirt.

After studying the books of transfer money paid out by his new employers to Saints and reading of the takeover in the pipeline, Moore started to do his sums.

The maths were simple, in the last three summers the Merseyside club had spent on average about £33 million each year at St Mary's, not including car parking fees at the stadium, hotel bills in the Marchwood area and binoculars.

With the club about to try and shell out another £70 million on Virgil Van Dijk that would bring that average up even further and if Southampton continued their strategy of discovering players, buying them cheaply and then selling them on to Liverpool, then by 2025 it could cost the Anfield club another £320 million not taking into account inflation and grovelling apology bills.

The answer smacked him in the face, in the words of Victor Kiam in a 1988 TV commercial if you like the product so much then buy the company.

By now his calculator was in meltdown, he popped out bought another £20 of Petrol yet another calculator and worked out that he could save £110 million over this time period, money that could be better used on paying him a bonus or putting another tier on the ground.

He then phoned up Ralph Krueger at St Mary's who surprisingly agreed with him that he should take this path and indeed Krueger compiled a list of transfers that he would personally ensure happened in the short term, although he advised to delay buying the club now and not buying Van Dijk immediately but to buy a few Saints players at market value as a smokescreen so no one would suspect what was going on.

Krueger said that within weeks Moore could be parading in a Liverpool shirt, Maya Yoshida a player of international quality who had kept Van Dijk out of the first team since January and for a bargain £40 million, far less than Van Dijk would cost.

The fans wouldn't like it but Krueger felt that two more signings designed to bamboozle the Premier League watchdogs would do the trick.

Also joining Yoshida at Anfield would be Jeremy Pied at £20 million a snip for a player who had barely put a foot wrong all season and best of all for only £15 million Liverpool could solve their goalkeeping problems with Paulo Gazzaniga a man who had once came near keeping a clean sheet at Anfield itself five years ago, without even having to rely on penalty saves.

Buying the club would pay for itself within 3 years taking into account the stars that Krueger himself would push Liverpool's way, indeed just the cost of greasing the likes of Mick Quinn and the press's hands would be more than offset by the fact that Krueger himself would personally drive these players to Anfield to make sure they signed and if he was on holiday there would be 30,000 Saints fans, who so grateful would they be to Liverpool for their continued patronage would offer to do the job.

Moore was very pleased, a quick read of Yoshida's biography described his defending as Kamikaze at times, and having lived in America he knew of how effective Kamikaze pilots had been at Pearl Harbour, he wanted that spirit at Anfield.

He knew that if his predecessor had bought Saints for £30 million in 2009 then Liverpool would already be quids in, he couldn't miss out a second time, even taking into account the £75 million on the three new players it was sound business sense.

He smiled as the Fax machine buzzed and the paperwork was on his desk within minutes of putting the phone down with Krueger and he had to suppress a laugh as he faxed back the signed deal, here he was only in the job five minutes and he already had a gullible Chairman of another club in his back pocket.

Better still to save time Krueger had suggested paying cash to buy Saints, English banks were slow and had a £50 bacs transfer fee, cash would be far easier and to save Moore the time of looking up where Southampton was on the map, Krueger would send up someone to collect it.

NB It should be noted that any similarity to correct grammar and spelling in this article is purely coincidental as is any semblance of truth or connections to anyone dead or living, however we all still think Dejan Lovren is a ****.

For Liverpool fans it is all a bit of fun and remember buying a Saints player should be for life and not just for Xmas.


Photo: Action Images



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aceofthebase added 15:49 - Jun 8
Very very humourus article but anothe brazen attack on our great centre back Yoshida. I would love to praise this article but Nick your relentless negative attacks on Yoshida is pathetic.
Is there any chance that you could be transferred to Liverpool, my driving is not so good but I would cheerfully drive you to the North, assuming you pay the petrol both ways.
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SaintNick added 16:14 - Jun 8
Come on ace of base, it wasnt a negative attack it was just me taking the easy option for a cheap joke.

Funnily enough I have to pick up some stuff from my Aunties house in Liverpool so can i take you up on the offer of a lift
0

highfield49 added 16:48 - Jun 8
Was it deliberate or sheer chance Nick that the photo used for this article contains four of our ex-players?
1

aceofthebase added 17:01 - Jun 8
Nick I would have to stop every half hour for a loo break but we could have quite a good conversation.
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DellHero added 17:03 - Jun 8
I'm pretty sure kamikazes weren't used at Pearl Harbour.
Just saying.
2

bstokesaint added 19:34 - Jun 8
Ace/Nick I think you two should take that road trip. Write an article when you're done and let us know how it goes. Would be genuinely interested to see how that'd pan out :)
2

amsterdamsaint added 20:31 - Jun 8
Pearl harbour comment not funny. I have been there. Sobering.
0

SaintNick added 21:14 - Jun 8
Dell Hero I know Kamikaze's werent used at Pearl Harbour it was meant to be an article utilising cheap stereotypical jokes.

Amsterdamsaint, I have been to Waterloo (the battlefield) Berlin, Munich, Arnhem, Ypres and countless other "battlefields" I dont get precious about jokes about them, as has been pointed out Kamikazes were not used art Pearl Harbour so no offence can be taken
1

pintsizedsaint added 21:40 - Jun 8
Jees guys, its just a spoof article! Seriously some of us need to lighten up a little. Football is only a game you know!

Well it's been an interesting few days. I felt SFC needed to place a line in the sand this summer and this is a useful start. I think there is a hint of hypocrisy (Saints will have spoken to players before a bid) but I think it was more about the utter brazen way Liverpool went about it that really irked. I mean, if SFC didn't do something then this would have continued and got worse.

Liverpool's tactics here were, quite frankly, disgraceful. It was quite clear several clubs were interested and Liverpool didn't want a bidding war. I guess they also knew that VVD's long contract meant they needed to put real leverage on getting VVD to pledge allegiance, so to force SFC to accept a more reasonable bid (under the pretext that VVD would sulk). I know that pre-bid discussions are part and parcel of the game now, but this took it too far and SFC were right to place a marker.

VVD would be wise to think twice about throwing toys out of the pram too. He's good but he's not that good, and the example of Berahino should be shown to him as a warning. This is where that 6 year contract pays massive dividends: a few years is an awful long time to be sulking around not getting much game time. Personally i would love SFC to stand up if VVD does try to flex his player power muscles - I think West Brom showed the way there.

Of course, its still a strong possibility that someone will bid for him and he will go. But i like the £70m marker here: that's proper eye-watering and very, very difficult to justify to fans. I think that rules Liverpool out. In fact, it probably rules out everybody bar Man City.

So, first round won by SFC. It will certainly make all of these clubs think twice about mouthing off in the media in order to put pressure on a club/player. Coming back to the serious aspects of this article, Nick is spot on: people like Micky Quinn are part of the current media disease - so they need to pipe down.

1

Lazz added 06:43 - Jun 9
Totally agree with you pintsizedsaint
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SaintBrock added 11:10 - Jun 9
Totally out of order Nick! Not funny and yet another slur against a guy who has given his all for us this season.
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SaintNick added 14:39 - Jun 9
SaintBrock, the ugly inside has always poked fun at Saints players, Yoshida was mentioned because he played in the same position as Van Dijk and offered a cheap play on the word kamikaze and I could claim he was keeping VVW out of the team.

Its about having a little bit of a laugh at ourselves sometimes
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