Bosh meets Bernie and his new time machine as things get more surreal in W12

“It’s a time machine,” claimed QPR boss Ernie
Beckleston, showing me the new invention that he and
Fabio had just commissioned to tell the future and
look at when QPR would return to the Premiership.

I looked in through the funnel eyepiece on the machine
and was instructed to turn the handle at the bottom
until the machine leapt forward one year. I stopped in
early August 2009, just after the start of next season
and indeed it did appear that this was quite a
remarkable piece of equipment.

Through the viewfinder I could quite clearly see (with
some footballing relief) a scene from the Emirates
Stadium, where Arsenal were entertaining Birmingham.
There, alongside his team mates stood Eduardo, now
thankfully fully recovered from his leg shattering
injury, lining up in his kit alongside his team mates.
In an act of reconciliation, suited and booted, as he
wasn’t in the squad for some reason that day was
Martin Taylor, walking towards the Brazilian Croatian,
carrying a bouquet of flowers, a present to the man he
had months earlier almost cut in half. As he
approached the Arsenal striker and just before he
could hand over the bouquet, Taylor appeared to
momentarily stumble and then trip, causing him to
accidentally lurch forward at some speed and head butt
Eduardo da Silva, breaking the Brazilian’s nose in
five places. As the striker once again collapsed to
the floor I raised my eye from the viewfinder.

“Yup, that’s probably the future alright,” I
confirmed.

Pushing me gently aside Ernie took charge of the
machine. “It’s a bloody marvel this thing. Just to
prove that what you saw isn’t a bug in the software
I’ve wound the handle forward quite some years. Yes,
here I am in a cemetery and I can quite clearly see
the headstone of referee Andy Hall. It reads ‘I always
hated QPR and I’m glad I sent all their players off.
If I’d been a Buddhist I’d have come back and sent
them all off again.’ I knew it,” cursed the pint size
racer.

“For Ernie,” explained Fabio, “this machine is like a
beautiful woman. It is elegant, mysterious and full of
surprises. And much like a beautiful woman he has to
stand on a chair to have a go on it.”

With Rangers still in with a mathematical chance of
promotion if all the teams above them either explode
or are disbanded the levels of optimism have remained
high around the club.

“Rangers,” Fabio explained again, “are like a
beautiful woman. They can leave you feeling elated or
shattered. They can play like a young silky smooth
shaven raven or lump it around like an old shepherd’s
bush.” His English was really coming along!

Meanwhile Ernie was still messing around with his time
machine and beckoned me over to take another look. Ten
years ahead the scene was quite extraordinary. With
climate change still raging at a pace it appeared that
Rangers were now playing in a brand new stadium with
polar bears for goalposts. We appeared to be beating
Chelsea 75-0 and we hadn’t even finished the first
half. This was not so much down to some excellent
Rangers finishing but more the product of the Rangers
board buying out their West London rivals who were
only able to field a solitary loan player, that being
last season’s Rangers maths hero Stephen RKins.

To be fair the black hole universe explaining genius
was doing his best to put his motorized chair in the
way of the Rangers barrage. But further weighed down
by seals and puffins strapped to his head and some
rather hungry Polar bears clearly interested in
devouring the professor’s buffet, the goals were
reigning in. It was however quite beautiful. It was
also good to see Mikehail Middlelegofwood continuing
his recent scoring form with Naomi Campbellsoup saying
she was very satisfied indeed, particularly with the
insertions he’d made to deal with her numerous cysts.

Having the advantage of a time machine could well
prove to be a great advantage to the club and it has
been instrumental so far in looking into how many of
the stadiums stanchions can be removed and sold for
building in China before the roof collapses. For
someone who thought that high insight  was actually
hind sight, giving the owner the ability to see out of
their rear end, it’s good see that Rangers have
invested in this sort of equipment to help guide the
future. Certainly it looks as if it will benefit GiGi,
who as I wound the handle ever forward was fast
following in the footsteps of Man Utd’s Lord Ferguson
who had himself just completed his two hundredth year
in charge at the now Mars based Premiership side (I
knew they'd sneak that 39th game in some how).

Fabio also explained that the team coach would shortly
have all its windows blackened out on the inside as
well.
“We know the team can only really perform against top
clubs so if the players don’t know where they are
going we can drive them to the grounds and as they get
off not knowing where they are we’ll say ‘they’re top
three lads, go and get them’. Obviously we have to
make sure they don’t think a toilet stop is a top
three team or we may lose a few players over the
season to cautions in the urinals.”

In the ground, Bosh Times can also share the news that
a brand spanking new scoreboard will be erected in the
close season. It will feature replays of Rangers goals
and more importantly it will display graphics of V
signs and middle fingers and the words ‘come on then
you t*ssers’ whenever the opposition are attacking the
away end. In fact the board are so worried that away
fans could influence their teams next season that
Fabio has ordered all the seats in the School End to
be turned around to face the other way.

With Rangers gradually hauling themselves to safety it
appears that the future is already mapped out for the
foreseeable future.
“For me,” Fabio gestured, casting his eye out over the
green fields of the Loftus Road pitch, “QPR certainly
will be a labour of love. It will be hard but
glorious, which is what I would say to any beautiful
lady I meet. Overall, I am glad I came here and it is
certainly the best barbecue restaurant I have bought
for some time.”

- Bosh Times

Photo: Action Images

Leeds United Polls